Tuesday, May 21, 2013


I can't stand up. I've been beaten down, I've been kicked around.

My backbone, he's gone. He's probably tired supporting a wreck like me. But I understand him, I really do. I just cannot understand myself. It was my fault why I'm experiencing this. It was my fault why nobody loves me for me. I just can't accept it. But now, I think I do. I'm unlovable.

People do not love me, they empathize me. They feel sorry that I'm pathetic for bringing myself into such situations. I appreciate being empathized, but I fucking hate it too. I'm so damn stupid for being too strong. I have built something too strong in my exterior that my interior crumbled. I just caved in. I'm sick of existing. People must be sick of me existing too. I want to cute everyone's troubles and just go away. That would probably nice.

I'm sick of people criticizing me for being me. And my dear, it's not only in the internet where you get criticized.You get criticized in real life too. So are you telling me to just leave my life and be happy somewhere up there? I never thought being brave by telling others my feelings was being wrong. Now I do. Trying to be different is just bullshit. I should be like everyone, hiding my feelings and letting it bottle up until I cannot take it anymore.

But hey, you know what? You got me. I'm not strong, I'm fucking weak. I'm now taking off my mask and letting you see who I really am. I'm weak,really weak. Every mean word you tell me? It shoots daggers to my chest. To my entire being. Everytime a friend abandons me? I crumble.

I'm one of the people who's hard to understand. But the real reason behind that is that I'm too... fake. I put on a different mask to be accepted. Now I'm nothing, for I do not even know who I am anymore. Look at me again, being overdramatic. Overacting, like you said. But that's me. I know that's the real me. Are you telling me I need to put on a new mask and hide the only thing I know about myself?

This morning, I've been imagining my wake and my funeral. I tried to imagine who I think will be there and mourn, or just be there to empathize on the last days they could see me. I cried hard. I imagine my bestest friend crying, the people who support me approaching my coffin, WAGC actually giving me a real eulogy, and I could not bear it. As much as I would love to die, I can't.

I'm sorry I could not kill myself. I'm sorry I have to keep on existing. But I promise to get out of your ways from now on. Goodbye.

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