Thursday, October 24, 2013

My Sunset is Your Sunrise.

We were childhood friends. Tadashi's father worked in the same firm as mine. They would leave us together in the park during the day, where would sit by the swings or take turns in catching each other in the slides. By evening, we would come to each other's homes. During lunch, our parents would chatter on how we're gonna be inseperable forever. We ate our food in the fields, and have a contest on who sees the most airplanes passing by. You would always win our little game. I used to call you  my older brother, but you turn bright red and ask me to stop every time. 


By highschool, we have grown quite apart. You took interest in science, while I was more inclined in arts. As time goes by, we go from walking to school together to barely saying hi when we bump into each other in the hallways. My regret never faded until this day, on how I was too foolish to let time rip us apart. Throughout highschool, I ate my lunch alone in the study hall, feeling desolated as my other half left this sillage; while he must be in the cafeteria working on something. 

One day, while I was silently playing with my food, I heard the door open behind me. "Akemi?", it was surreal, why is Tadashi here? "Akemi, I was wondering if that painting by the stairwell was your work?", he said. I could not believe he would notice my trademark, as it has been 2 years since we last talked to each other. "Ah, yes. What about it?" He sat down next to me and looked at his lunch tray. "Well it looked really nice. And, uh.. well.. aside from that..", he muttered, "I was wondering if I could eat my lunch with you again?" My heart raced and I could feel my cheeks flush with excitement. I smiled and answered, "Of course!". You opened your lunch and we began talking about things in the past two years as I began being engulfed in the moment. 

There was a lot of differences between Tadashi and I. Tadashi was more of stern, responsible and appetent for success. I was a creative soul, just letting my instincts take over my actions and decisions. It was amazing that we still managed to feel a connection between us. We would lie down in our blankets after class, just staring at the stars and throwing caution to the wind. Our talks would go endless until we reach our respective curfews. 

Before our summer vacation, Tadashi rented a boat so we could row through the nearby river. We set the perfect date and time so we could still manage to get home as soon as possible. We rowed miserably and spun in huge circles. We laughed so hard at our incompetence when you looked at me suddenly. "Akemi, I.." My world stopped revolving and suddenly it was all you. "I love you, Akemi. I always have." As redamancy washed my whole existence, I bowed my head slightly and smiled the biggest smile. "I love you as well, Tadashi-kun." You leaned forward, and we kissed. The sunset was glowing in our faces, and it was as beautiful as ever. 

After 3 years, Tadashi was set to fly to New York so he could pursue his medical career. I could feel his excitement emitting to all of us inside the car, while I am feeling very restless. Our days together felt endless and full of joy, and I am sad as ever that it's reached its peak in this moment. I tried to look enthralled as you are, but it was a shame I am aspectabund. You wrapped your arms around me tightly and I closed my eyes. I've been fighting my tears the entire trip and I could not let them go right now.

"Akemi, I'm sorry. I don't think this is going to work out anymore.." You said while enveloping me in your arms. I was silent, as a single word would cause my tears and screams I am suppressing to be free into the wind. You boarded the train and waved goodbye. Foolishly, my tears fell as I tried to run with the train to catch up with you. "No, Tadashi! Please, I love you so much! No!", the words escape from my mouth as I sob relentlessly. 

The sound of serenity is slowly calming me on most nights. We are separated by our dreams, our futures, our distance. My beloved Tadashi and I are now living on different sides of the world, casting our own shadows at the opposite directions at noon. "Goodbye, Tadashi...", she said as she drifted back to sleep drowning in her own sadness.


Thursday, October 17, 2013


(Playing with Lomo camera apps)

I could not find the lace of my dog so I decided not to jog outside anymore. I continued my Nike Training workout this morning and I was close to throwing up. I wish I could learn how to bike soon since I wanna go to places other than my house. Having no money is a real pain in the ass, but I'll preoccupy myself with other things to suffice. 

Sembreak, day 2




I've been trying to reconnect with my creative side. All of my colorful juices went dry from the 4 months that I spent studying Differential Calculus (which I would probably retake) and Physics. One way of doing that is being inclined once more in music. Therefore, I bought a new guitar.

I've been playing songs from different bands ranging from OPM to Pop Rock. It's relaxing me slowly, keeping my mind of differentiability and centripetal forces. I'm trying to memorize chords and progressions slowly, but all at once. I'm being addicted, and that's okay. Music's been a great part of me anyway. 





Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Disconnection Notice

You sent me a Facebook message saying hey.

It has been 2 months since we've been constantly sending each other messages, texting each other in the wee hours of the night, and even seeing each other sometimes. We talk about anything under the sun: books, movies, shows, studies... anything. We enjoyed each other's company so much. Actually, how can we not? We talk every single day. I know almost everything about you- what makes you engrossed in our conversations, what makes you pissed off, how you want things to work out for you and all those little things I notice. But sometimes, I wonder, am I the only one who notices those things?

I got on my bike and travelled across the village, trying to keep my mind of you. I have this certain obsession with you that nobody could ever comprehend. I'm off to my favorite coffee shop just on the outskirts of this place. People rarely visit the place, as teenaged girls like me prefer going to Starbucks. It's rarely quiet in there and people are merely putting on a facade. That overpriced frappuccino would not be worth it since I needed a place to write my songs. 

I rang the bell, waiting for Eric to open the door and greet me with a huge smile. On the contrary, he looked forlorn but forced a smile in his face when he saw me. Eric told me the shop may close soon, as the manager is not really earning much. I gave him a tight hug, and heaved a sigh. He smiled and asked me, "The usual?" This guy knows me just as much as he probably did. 

I took out my guitar from its case and caressed the embellishments I made my friend paint on. Eric placed my chocolate latte with extra milk and a pen, my usual orders, and sat across the booth. He is fond of listening to my compositions. I scribbled lyrics on the napkin, but crossing them out in frustration afterwards. I asked for a shot of espresso and let my thoughts wander of a bit.

I asked you once on your thoughts about relationships. Being a hopeless romantic, I told you all of my stories of my failures in love. You laughed at all of them, and you forced me to laugh at all of them. You promised me brighter days and a stronger heart. You'll make me strong, you swore. We would then shift to less serious topics, and the discussion would be buried and forgotten. 

I decided that now is not a day I could finish a song. I played one of my favorites so as to not disappoint Eric. I payed for my coffee, thanked him, and biked away. I do not want to go home, not yet, unless I am 100% composed. I passed by every street in our village: Oak, Elm, Redwood.. and so on. The mighty trees bearing a name for each corner I pass by. I made 2 rounds, even stopping by a pastry shop to buy cream puffs and tea for my mother, yet you're still running through all the corners of my brain. I just could not stop thinking about you.

"You're too occupied on men.", you said. I could never forget the night we argued and I wept without you knowing it. I was swallowing every drop of my pride just so I could understand you fully. Your every word sent daggers to my chest, closing up my throat as I gasp for breath. You are blaming me for being too in love. For being too in love for you. And because of that, I never told you. 

I fumbled with my keys in my basket, looking for the right one as I approach my home. I took a turn on the curb, kicked the stand of my bicycle and grabbed the paper bag from the pastry shop. I opened the front door, left the bag in the counter and ran up to the stairs. I hurriedly opened my laptop and signed in to my Facebook account.

You were in a relationship with someone else.

The next day, the rain was unbelievably strong yet I decided to go out. I did not bother get my umbrella or wear a raincoat. I got on my bike, pedaling furiously with my eyes squinted as I tried to see my path. I parked my bike on its usual spot and walked towards the entrance. I was freezing from the cold air blowing through my soaked clothes. I stared at the sign, and the sign stared back at me. Its words were emblazoned on the bright red background, saying "We're closed."

I sat down on the pavement and watched the cars passing by, probably heading to Starbucks. 

I could not believe you remember my love for coffee. 

Thursday, October 3, 2013

Recovering the Past

2123

I had always been eccentric. I took up Archeology for my extra credit class, which is different from 99% of the population in our institution. Out of the 900 kids who could afford education here in my subdivision, only 17 of us took up archeology. According to history, men used to excavate the soil in order to attain artifacts. There was no land present in earth anymore, as all the ground was covered in asphalt for convenience. Normal soil would collapse hundred of buildings in a small hectare of land. For   now, reading something from paper is what archeologists do.

I went to the biggest book mine to start my final requirement. I floated to every isle, looking for quite an interesting topic to discuss about human behavior. For sure, the topic about something called nature would prevail among the class. I looked through all sections ranging from Religion, Languages, Social Sciences, as I reached the Fiction section. I used to go here to laugh at all the assumptions of the human kind of the human kind were, and how absurd they seemed. But alas, this library contained and preserved far more books than the normal library I went to. It had a section very unfamiliar, as it was the first time I encountered such word. Romance.

Once, there was a myth that a lady travelled through time in order to fullfill her dreams of being in love. Love was a very unnatural thing to say, as love was something made by mankind ages ago to procreate. We have test tubes, sperm banks, egg incubators and all of those in all hospitals owned by the government. We do not need love anymore. But the story says that once she came back, she could not stop crying. According to her, she lost the feeling that made her feel alive and a human once again. She commited suicide right at that moment.

I got curious and I picked a book from the shelf. It was entitled "Lovers Lost In Space". I grabbed some gloves from the shelf as the book was delicate due to old age. The cover was pretty bleak, just a picture of a rose floating in space, its petals slowly cascading. It was hardbound, just like most of the books in this library. The paperbacks were contained in a specially airconditioned floor, and I hate the cold as much as I hate being more careful than being informed. It looked very common, as most books I have touched are pretty much similar to it, belonging to the era of the last set of published books in 2078.

On the contrary, the feelings that transpired to my brain are very unusual. There was also the tingling sensation in my spinal bone, the cloud of mist developing in my stomach, my blood rushing to my vessels as my heart was pumping more than the usual rate per second. It was a feeling of a rush I have never experienced, as I have never witnessed something that bizaare in my whole existence. Is that the feeling of love? Is that the feeling the woman wanted so much that she exchanged her own life just to get it back? 

Curiosity spread like a wildfire in my brain as I checked out of the book mine. I needed a proper research, so I switched on the data connector chip implanted on my brain by clicking the switch behind my ear. I needed a pass to the alternate dimension. That was how the woman was rumored to travel through time. I booked my shift in around 30 minutes, allowing me to pack up and prepare for the travelling. I ordered an elixir to lessen drowsiness and flesh deterioration as my journey was counterflowing through the natural course of energy in the time continuum.

I turned on my light shield, wore my safety goggles and shut my eyes. This is going to be a fun ride.

2012

My eyes opened and I saw an unfamiliar territory. I know that laboratories are very prominent in our era, but it was a lot different to the one I am seeing now. There are wires everywhere; networking bulky computers and equipments that seemed so medieval in my era. People are actually walking, and it's weird that they still seemed like they lacked body maintenance. Perhaps it was because of the change in diet- everything was grown organically and manufactured using no oil, as there was none left, and people technically ate the same things. Chemical engineering was highly improved at around the year 2025, and it continued to evolve throughout the years. I blinked a couple of times to adjust my vision, and we were welcomed in a highly secured area the government is protecting.

Alternate dimensions were developed in the in the early 2100's. Ever since, the government made an agreement with the government of the past. There were a few conditions for the so called "time travelers" to follow. First, any person existing outside the era should not alter anything in the existing era. Prevention of deaths, accidents, miracles, and other future altering actions are not allowed since it is against the natural law. Second, no one is supposed to know of the credentials of the time traveller. Such action may result to the non-existence of time traveling, as people will merely expect someone to patent the formula of alternate dimension shifting. And lastly, all people who were involved in one's duration on that era are subjected to remove any memory of that person. 


I was entitled a semiannual stay in this dimension, as my school funded my entire trip. After a world economic shutdown, capitalism ceased to exist. People and their talents were utilized to improve the world, and not much money was involved. I went around: seeing trees, feeling the grass and eating all sorts of exotic delicacies such as the burger. The nostalgic feeling of being a little child was running through my veins. I met different kinds of people, telling them I am an exchange student from a secluded island which seemed to be as civilized as the city. I went by the name Gabriel. Many people believed me. Everyone except for you, Isabelle.

You were interested in geography. Memorizing different states, knowing every island, and basically figuring me out. I violated every rule prescribed by the government, as if describing your future world is just natural. I was elated seeing your face light up every time I answer your curiosities.  We sometimes hung out by the lake, sipping our cups of what you call coffee and exchanged views on everything in this world. You taught me what values are, what faith means, and what happiness was. You told me everything that ceased to exist in my time, and I told you what the future upholds in mine.

I was coming close to the end of my trip. Finally, I gathered up all the confidence I have to ask you:  What is love? You stared into the murky waters of the lake, seeming deep in thought. You looked at me, gave me hundreds and thousands of definitions for love. You told me, love is having that strange feeling the moment you knew your names rhyme, knowing that he is from another time yet you took the risk of being attached, and having the absurd thoughts of breaking the rules for someone

I patiently waited for that adrenaline rush. For the blood to rush to my cheeks. For my heart to start accelerating irregularly. For me to feel this love I travelled in time for. But there was none. All I felt for you was empathy, as you sit there, with streams flowing from the corners of your eyes. I could not connect to you the way you connect to me. I am incapable of feeling love.

On my last day, I placed my remote sensor in front of your forehead. I wished you the best of luck in life. You gave me a bud of a white rose, placed it on my pocket and tapped it in place. You closed your eyes, signaling me that you are ready. I gave you a promise that we'll see each other sometime in the future. You knew that it was highly unlikely, if not impossible. And when I pressed the trigger, I was transported back in my era. 

And in about a week or two, I can't remember anything I have done in the past six months. I saw a decaying matter at the edge of my desk and threw it in my incinerator. And I tried to keep my sanity and not reach for it in the flames when I remembered what it was.




Sunday, September 29, 2013

Puzzle Pieces

I found a puzzle piece on the floor.
I cherished it. I spent time with it.
We biked through the streets,
and even cuddled under the sheets.

I found more puzzle pieces on the floor.
I picked them up. But I knew I had to stop.
I had a special piece, the first.
You just happened to satisfy my thirst.

These puzzle pieces I found once on the floor;
I was wrong. They were a lyrics to a song.
I set you down for a little while,
and deciphered the puzzle with a smile.

I found a lot more pieces on the floor.
Telling the story. Relieving my worry.
But there was something I did forget,
that first piece I was able to get.

The puzzle pieces joined together on the floor.
Making an image. Erasing the damage.
And when it was about to be complete,
a piece seemed to be missing, even under my feet.

My puzzle pieces lie on the floor.
Never a picture. It was nothing but a rapture.
For the piece that started it all,
was in a place where I could not crawl.

(September 29, 2013)




Saturday, September 28, 2013

Not All Are Broken

The alarm goes off after I hit the snooze button for the 3rd time. I tried to peek at my alarm clock, and there it was. The bright red led light stared at me, letting me know how many more minutes I have to prepare for class. It was still too early for me, I predicted. But just as I was about to pull my covers back on top of my head, I was awakened by a loud explosion outside my window. Immediately, I looked out. It seems that the rage of the almighty Zeus is impending once again.

The rain was plummeting, as if attempting to reunite the earth with the ocean. The wind was howling, singing various songs of despair. My type of weather, I thought. I hurriedly dug into the pile of dirty clothes on the foot of my bed. I was never that type of person who keeps everything in place. I dragged myself out of the bed, struggling to be free of my covers who enveloped me in a sea of comfort. I have to get my phone, as soon as possible. Who knows if my professors cancelled the classes for today? That would be a delight. The downpour would make my commute very similar to the Trojan War. I would stagger through the slippery roads or even skip through the puddles in the streets. The roar of the incoming train would lead to my demise as it coincides with the ravenous thunder.

Ah, there it is. It's been under my pillow all along. Although I would not know either since I keep several islands in my bed. I immediately opened my email, and my inbox took me by surprise. I dropped my phone, and it was a good thing it landed safely in my pile of clothes. A tear fell out from my eye as I stared at the ground, waiting for it to swallow me. I could not believe it, he remembered. It was not a broken promise after all.

And there it was, the five love stories he promised he would write for me.

It was my senior year in high school. I was just as free spirited as everyone else. I'm not really the typical teen-aged girl, but I am not as different as one would imagine. I'm pretty normal, just your average wallflower. With a month 'til graduation, my emotions seemed to change together with the seasons. It was very slow, and then it would come all at once. The feeling of restlessness suddenly hinted with anxiety. Or when I was my happiest, a nostalgic scene would come barreling in to my chest like a ten-wheeler truck. The amount of adrenalin is coursing through my bloodstream. I was a free spirited girl, about to end a chapter in her life and start a new beginning. And most of all, I am in love.

I would say fate brought us together. It was last August, at the school's rooftop. No one was really allowed to go in there, but I am a person made entirely out of disobedience. I was there, playing with my guitar with a notebook and pen ready. I was trying to write another song, and that was the only place quiet enough. I was singing my heart out, letting the lyrics flow out directly from my head. Suddenly, I heard the door leading to one of the stairways suddenly close. I immediately hid behind a pillar, recklessly leaving my guitar and notebook in plain sight. Footsteps are getting louder and louder so I didn't have time to retrieve them anymore. A head popped out from the stairs, and I was so relieved that it was not a school administrator. I'm actually in big trouble if they found me here as I was a graduating student. It was just you.

"What are you doing here?” He asked as I came out from my hiding place. I rolled my eyes and heaved a sigh. "This is my comfort zone. I can't write in the midst of all the chatters in the cafeteria. And besides, I have a short cut to my hall that way. "I hurried towards my guitar and placed the cap on my pen.”Well, what about you? What made you come here?” I asked as I try to straighten out my crumpled song sheet. "I came here for a similar reason. I came for the serenity to be able to write the best poem in the universe." And that's when butterflies come in.

I heard a knock on my door, and I can tell it's from the housekeeper. "They canceled your classes. You can go back to bed now." Instead of feeling relieved, I was more troubled. I knew that having no classes would mean I have to read your stories. I could not make an excuse of getting ready, or cramming a paper due later. I have the entire moment for myself, and for your stories. Or should I say my stories.

We lay in the park while staring at the sky. There were no blankets shielding us from the prickly grass. No bottles of alcohol, unlike the couples who are probably making out inside a tent or by the bench in the outskirts of the quadrangle. "This is stupid.” you muttered, "The sky is covered in clouds. It's probably going to rain soon." I just stared at the vast sky, contemplating my relevance to the universe. Contradicting to what you just said, you laid still and remained to warm my hand with yours. And after a few minutes, it did rain. "Hey, can you promise me something?" I sat up, bundling our things and finally using the blanket as our protection from the rain. "Write five stories. For me." You looked at me with a puzzled expression, and I read what you were thinking. You are a poet, and never in your life have you written a short story. Yet there I was, asking for five. Your answer bemused me as you said with utmost confidence, "I promise."

I made a limp downstairs as I fix myself a cup of coffee. I am always teased by everyone I know as someone whose blood is made up of pure caffeine. I'm not going to drink this to keep myself sane, for the shock you gave me was enough to wake my senses. The smell and taste of coffee was very nostalgic for me. It was your scent, and it was your taste. The scent and taste of the moment we parted ways.

It was the first time in my life that I did not hit the snooze button. I was awake, and I had a staring competition with the red led light indicating my impending doom. We graduated a month ago, and you were set on leaving to Australia to get your scholarship. I got in a good university, but I'm stuck in this country. I'm volunteered with your family to bring you to the airport. It was an ungodly hour, but I remained awake. I stood up, removing the dried tears from the corners of my eyes and I got ready. I waited for your van in my driveway, as I sat there holding a box. A box that contained all of our memories- Polaroid, bottle caps, roses, song lyrics, and a lot more. When I saw a light approaching our curb, I plastered a smile across my face. I could not bear it if your last memory of me was that I was a wreck.

I pulled out a paper bag that was accumulating dust under my bed. It contained several postcards, posters and some button pins. The typical touristy stuff someone would send a friend who lives far away. I read the transition of your notes in the postcards, ranging from I wish you were here to I hope you are doing well. I brushed my fingers among the smudges in the ink that were evident in the cards you sent me. The feelings are starting to rush back once again, but I repressed it with more gulps of coffee. It was not bitter at all, and so am I.

It was wintertime when I received a message from you. Each email you sent was very different from the former one you sent me. You could sense that the distance was slowly ripping us apart, and I'm starting to accept that. The warmth of your presence was gone, and so are the butterflies. The time difference between us is keeping us further, and perhaps, love was not enough to bind us. Every element of love seemed to weaken our relationship, and the two of us can see it crumble. We decided to just end it while there was still amount of love left, for even God cannot save us. Your last words were, "I would still keep my promise. Never forget."

I'm glad your promise was not broken, but we sure are.


Project: Music Recovery

What is "Project: Music Recovery"?
So about a month ago, my Samsung Galaxy Grand got stolen which contained my 16GB microSD card. The said card contained ALL of the songs I downloaded through the span of about 3 years. Sad to say, I don't have a backup for all these songs, as some of them are downloaded directly to my device.

Right now, I'm trying to redownload all of my songs, completing a discography one at a time. Unfortunately, I have a very busy schedule due to my requirements in the Engineering field. So this is where you could step in and help me.

How can you help a poor girl reconnect with her lost music?
You could send me mixtapes/CDs/flash drives/files via email some songs you think may help me gain my music life once again. Regarding the flash drives, be sure to include a return address in your mail. Also, adding in a letter for me would be nice.

You could send all your help in the following addresses:

email:
         ronethmacalino@yahoo.com
         bonjour_roneth@hotmail.com

home address:
         59 E. Dela Paz St.,
         San Roque, Marikina City

OR

We could set meetups in the following places:
         SM Marikina
         Any LRT 2 Station
         University of Sto. Tomas

What will you get in exchange of your stuff?
Those people who helped me with the use of a hard copy (CD/Flash Drive) will get a thank you card, personally drawn and handwritten by me. I know it's cheap but hey, I'm asking you guys for illegally downloaded stuff anyways.
And to those people who helped me through email would get a poem written by me, which would probably be posted in my blog.

More shizz...
Anyway, I've made progress lately so you don't need to send me the discographies of the following:

  • All Time Low
  • The Maine
  • The Summer Set
  • We Are The In Crowd
  • The Cab
  • Mayday Parade
  • Sleeping With Sirens
  • Pierce The Veil
  • Imagine Dragons
  • fun.
Also, please send me the Punk Goes... series please. Thank you so much!

Friday, September 27, 2013

Semestral Break

I know it's a bit too early (I still got 2 weeks of classes) but I'm already anticipating my sem break. I still got tons of work to do (like my english essays, calculus and physics quizzes, report in filipino, etc) but I'm starting to plan the things I would do in my one month of vacation. Anyway, I'm planning to do the following:

-Learn how to ride a bike, so I could go to places even if I have no cash in my wallet.
-Go to parks and just take pictures, as I am free to use my camera again.
-Try to write a poem everyday.
-Draw and reunite with my paintbrush.
-Watch tons of movies.
-Dye my hair burgundy or magenta.
-Try different kinds of food.

To sum it all up, I'm gonna try to reunite with my creative side once again.

Thursday, September 26, 2013

This Morning, I Shall Be.

This morning, I shall be.
I chose to sit on the sidewalk, 
draw things on it with a chalk.
Avoiding people who wants to talk.

This morning, I shall be.
I chose to sing near the sea.
Voicing out lyrics, with great glee.
An enchanting siren, they called me.

This morning, I shall be.
I travelled miles on my own feet.
A smile for everyone I would meet, 
A simple bow for those I greet.

This morning, I shall be.
My brain was filled in every nook,
for I just finished reading a book.
Great fantasies, they always cook.

This morning, I shall be.
The world's greatest, I believe.
Be proud of what you achieve,
with surprises up on your sleeve.

(September 26, 2013)





We'll start classes by 1pm, so I still have an hour to enjoy my morning.
I cooked some pancakes, played videogames, took random selfies and I think it's time to start studying now.
Good bye.

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Regrets

The thoughts of numbers pinning me down to the ground.

I am now feeling the university life, The first thing that may pop into your head are outrageous parties, alcohol, smoke from cigarettes or drugs, freedom, and all those happy shit. On the contrary, I'm thinking books, numbers, derivatives, coffee, sleepless nights, presentations, and so on. I'm starting not to enjoy college.

Perhaps it's because I'm really tired. I probably had the freshman syndrome that's why I enjoyed last year. And this year, my body craves sleep more than anything else.I'm also starting to have less time for my actual interests, seeing my failed test papers coming in one after the other.Well, in calculus.

I want to live a life worry-free, Hakuna Matata style. Why create your own worries, right? I want to stop thinking about the future and remain focused on my present instead. That way, I'd enjoy reading books, writing poetry and short stories, and perhaps drink gallons of coffee. But I can't do that. I'm already to far from the entrance of this maze I entered. It would be such a waste to go back, and I have no other choice but to endure the sufferings of this labyrith of suffering.


Tuesday, September 24, 2013

The Story of the Flowers

I picked a flower near the sidewalk.
Placed it on her hair, with outmost care.
I told her, never listen to all of them.
My pretty dear, reject your fear.

The next day, I picked another flower.
Pinned it in her chest, where it looks best.
I told her, be brave my angel.
You may fall down, but don't ever frown.

I stringed some flowers.
A pretty necklace, giving her such grace.
I told her, you are my precious.
Head up high, not letting out a sigh.

And one day, I picked a flower.
Placed it on grave, the last one I gave.
You are now in heaven, my love.
I promise you I'll try, I won't ever cry.

(September 24, 2013)

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Let Go

if the amount of time
is the sole basis of value
then you must've meant nothing to me

your absence left a gaping hole
it's like a piece of me was missing
you were just gone so suddenly

i never knew your true value
but everything was clear
by the time i knew i was missing you

i know that we'll be going separate ways
i dont know how i could ever retrieve
all of the memories i had with you

i  hope you'll be happier somewhere else
and you'll be taken care of
since i was stupid and i neglected you

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Post Concert Insights



How I miss my friends. It's sad that most of my day remains a big blur because of an incident. Nonetheless, it was a beautiful day.

I miss everything on that day. One of the most unforgettable moments of my existence. I just wished he felt the same way.

Pandora

All the times I spent:
trying to box out all my feelings,
duct tape my loneliness,
and throw in all the memories-
they were all wasted.

My heart was like Pandora's box-
for all of a sudden the lid,
that fucking mighty tight lid,
flew away and exposed the insides.

Even if you destroyed it,
the box- it's all yours.
No matter how much you break and shatter,
it'll find a way to come back.

How hard it is to cause such sorrow:
too much crying and drama.
If only love was the source,
but it was merely curiosity
.

Saturday, August 17, 2013

Dream Diary Entry #1

I just had to record this, this dream is bizzare but I like it.

I was in a magical place, I was the only human in there for I have a mission of picking up some animals who plan on running away from home, and plan to live in my dimension- which is just plain old earth. it was a notorious escape with chase scenes but of course, we made it. Anyway, the portal could not be closed immediately since it needs a cool down from using too much energy so someone was able to get past it. We found a house with no inhabitants, only to find out that the people in it were just about to go home from vacation. Once they arrived, they pretended to be stuffed animals and I pretended to be a doll. The kids played with us and such. I locked myself in the bathroom and I heard a knock from a housekeeper, and she said she developed a serum that would turn them into humans so the owner just welcomed them for a party. 

Once I walked out, they were all enjoying the sunset in the balcony. Everyone was with a partner of some sort. I was talking to this guy and was laughing and just having fun, when suddenly, lxs came along. I highfived him, he took my hand and placed his arm around my shoulder. Then we watched the sunset together, and he leaned in for a kiss. Then after a short time, he told me we could not be together. I was pain stricken, of course. Then my animal-turned-human friends told me that they wish to go back home. I escorted them back to that magical dimension, and once I came back, it was all different. Like I returned to my normal life.

So I was supposed to go to a debut or a soiree in a hotel. The people were oddly familiar, like they were my animal friends. Then, lxs came along and was my date. He hugged me, took my hand and kissed me sometimes. Then, he slipped that we will somehow break up anyway tomorrow.

Guess he was destined to leave me right away. Even in multiple dimensions such as in my dream and that magical dimension. 

Saturday, July 27, 2013

I don't know

people come and go

I will never ever understand how people manage to just walk into your life then leave all of a sudden. And as I quote Pudge (from Looking For Alaska), "You can’t just make me different and then leave. You can’t. You can’t change me and make my whole life centered around you, then leave." But you just did. I'm so confused at everything. I thought you were completely different from them. But you're so fucking worse. You made me your one-week-affair then pretended nothing happened. I actually thought that finally, I'm going to smile because of love again. But no, I got stood up. Love is a lie. Everything is a lie. 

I used to lie hanging at the edge of my seat, ecstatic of what might happen next. But now, I'm shrouded with fear. 

Saturday, July 13, 2013

Electric

From a distance, I just admired you-
Hoping you felt the same way too.
Somehow, fate got in the way.
Magical, brightening our day.

You seemed to came out from a book,
amazing how perfect the gods cook.
Creating perfect beings, my own dear.
Missing you is now truly my greatest fear.

You really erased my past-
with that smile, the spell was cast.
How happy I am that you are near.
I would do everything to keep you here.

Sparks suddenly came out flying,
with no need of us trying.
Maybe this means we are meant to be-
because right now, you're all I can see.

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Dreams of our Universe.

After asking Jonvier about his favorite film, five centimeters per second, I instantly scowered the internet for it. I watched it last night and I can say that the film is indeed beautiful. Everything just falls into place, the cinematography, the music, the underlying theme, just everything. It was so beautiful that I even dreamed about it. Also, I somehow connected with the film. I can say that I am very much alike with the character in the second chapter of the film.

Anyway, I am spending my morning watching another film directed by the same man, and I can say I'm enjoying it. The themes of his stories are very unique, and you will somehow get absorbed and be fascinated with it. The theme of this one is about a promise waiting to be fullfilled, but it somehow involved some physics in it.

I've never seen something as beautiful.

Saturday, June 22, 2013

You're Gonna Be The One That Saves Me

06/23/13, 2:23 AM

I'm still affected by the caffeine I got from the coffee I made this evening. I decided to ingest coffee to finish all my schoolwork tonight, and have that Monday to review for Calculus. I'm not even a bit sleepy. I'm done writing my Philosophy papers about Buddhist and Islam ethics. I'm also done answering what I could in our Physics homework. I'm not sad, I'm just sick of this place.

Also, I'm getting really emotional starting this morning. It's probably because of my mood swings or maybe the fact that I am awfully tired. Sleep never seemed to be the answer, I had lots of it yesterday. It's just that I become exhausted from my hectic schedule anyway after my rest. I had a sleepless night then PE then another sleepless night. Sleep, but another sleepless night the day after that. Too much workload, even if I do try to manage my time.

My head is practically crammed with technicalities: from vectors to limits to philippine literature in the american era to atheist ethics- basically everything. I try to escape from them for a few minutes, maybe even hours, but I just get sucked back in. Sometimes, I do wonder if this is the life I want to have. If I would even consider this living. I don't really know.

I'm so pissed at everyone in this house. Everybody's just finding a way to annoy me then calling me a bitch afterwards. They should know their own boundaries anyway. I'm a tired, menstruating and maybe even sick person. Don't try to offend me in any manner. I'll just resent you or kill you in my imagination. Also, I have an issue with my brother. I've been saving up for Bazooka Rocks and he stole a 4-day deposit. That's 4 days of not eating what I wanted and depriving myself to meet my friends. He probably just spent it on some bullshit. He's fucking pathetic, and the spawn of satan himself. I know it's wrong to say this, and I am sorry God, but I hope that kid dies in a fire. Or at least he gets in a freak accident that would forcefully stop his stealing habits. That pathetic faggot.

I may also avoid WAGC, maybe just now or maybe for a long time. I don't want them to miss me, and I do not want to miss them. I should accept that they are not really a part of my daily life and I should never sulk due to their absence. Harsh, but it's the truth. They've grown on me- too much that it's actually beyond their supposed limit. We had fun days, but those lie in the past. There's not much that I could do about it.

I'm overthinking stuff, as you can see. That's all for now.


Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Labyrinth of Suffering

06/19/13, 1:17am

In order to seek my great perhaps, I still need to find my way out of this labyrinth. I'm staying up this late (although I need to wake up at around 4:30 later) to study Calculus and Physics. I wouldn't be up in the wee hours in the morning if my Calculus professor actually teaches her students and not the whiteboard. Her microphone does not help at all, we just sound like a rosary brigade in a chapel instead of a class. My physics professor does good anyway, and I'm thankful for that. It's just that she gave a 10-item homework that's a it difficult, and she had a lot of restrictions when it comes to the format.

I need to rest, My vision is a bit blurry, my head feels like it's spinning as if trapped in a vortex, and my whole body's going limp. The fact that we have PE tomorrow kills me more. I hate my Thursday classes for it's jampacked with both major and minor classes. The only courses we do not have tomorrow are Programming and Philosophy.

It's a good thing we now own a locker, which I'm sharing with Moi and Aly, so I can just stack my books in there. I might die if I still needed to carry tons of books while having to bring my PE uniform plus I had very little rest the night before. A little way to lessen my burden, but I thank God for that damn overpriced locker rental.

Finding the way out of the labyrinth is hard, and I just need to find joy in my suffering. That way, I can make my desperation and pain bearable and worthwhile.


Monday, June 17, 2013

I Screamed Over The Sound

06/17/13

Perhaps, another normal day for the average teenager attending University.

My morning started a bit early, 4:30 AM, right upon hearing my alarm Jukebox (Life Goes On) by The Summer Set. It was supposed to be a feel good song, but like Postcards and Polaroids, I'm just beginning to resent it. Anyway, I rose up from my bed and decided to reset my alarm since it was not a busy morning. I was too sleep-deprived (I slept at around 2 in the morning) to start both my day and my week in a blissful manner. So I proceeded to my daily routine, packed up and was ready to leave.

Just when I thought I was ready to leave, I found out that my ID was missing. Having that ID is essential in the University and I know too well that losing it would be a hassle. I was running a bit late with the heavy traffic going on so I left without it. I arrived late in the Physics laboratory looking like a wreck as a result from the stressful commute that I had. As usual, Phys202L was a big snoozefest.

There's this one class that really took my attention, Philosopy 5: Christian Ethics. No, it's not all Jesu-freak bullshit that you're thinking. Today, we actually talked about the pursuit of happiness. The different perspectives of the state of being happy and the like and their classifications. I have a gut feeling that I need to categorize myself in one of those groups for the next workpaper. I'm not really sure of the possible question anyway. I can relate my attachment to this course to Pudge's likehood to his Religion subject.

In the afternoon, we decided to play Rockband for our Professor decided to really not show himself to us. We spent an hour playing drums, guitar, bass and singing alternately. I loved singing MakeDamnSure and Bring Me To Life so much, no matter how they strain my vocal chords.

Luckily, it rained when I was already walking on my way home. I thought it was just going to be a drizzle, but it was another thunderstorm. The skies were lit up by lightning, the roar of the thunder was defeaning and the clouds seemed to be unforgiving with the rain. I decided to stay at home and just read.

I'm going to end the day by reading my Physics and Calculus notes. Au revoir.

Friday, June 14, 2013

Thoughts

I actually forgot about my new literature class because our professor came in so late. So apparently, I have to worry about 3 writing classes: English 3, Philippine Literature and Philosophy. I lost my connection with the creative wires somewhere in my brain and I really need to get them intact once again.

For the last 2 weeks, I've been having a great time in my classes. Yes, the pressure never left and continued to toast the left side of my brain but it's nice to have friends helping you out. This is going to be a bumpy but fun ride, I always thought. I'm going to be invincible just by thinking and believing in it.

I'm now a part of a large group of friends right now. I'm getting attached to them way to easily than I expected. They are amazing, and it's nice to see that I have built a greater social interaction with other people. I'm not the usual quiet kid, I'm actually interacting with everyone now. Well, sort of everyone, but I try.

Classes were suspended today, tomorrow's my free day and no NSTP announcement yet so I'm okay with Sunday. I sure do need this kind of rest.

Thursday, May 30, 2013

Feelings?

Everyday, I wish
that my feelings are written
in just pencil.
So every time my heart
just can't take it;
I'll take my eraser
and forget all about it.

Too bad,
mine's written in ink.
The best thing I can do-
is cover everything up.
No matter how hard I try,
it would always leave a mark.
They stay forever.

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

-

I can't stand up. I've been beaten down, I've been kicked around.

My backbone, he's gone. He's probably tired supporting a wreck like me. But I understand him, I really do. I just cannot understand myself. It was my fault why I'm experiencing this. It was my fault why nobody loves me for me. I just can't accept it. But now, I think I do. I'm unlovable.

People do not love me, they empathize me. They feel sorry that I'm pathetic for bringing myself into such situations. I appreciate being empathized, but I fucking hate it too. I'm so damn stupid for being too strong. I have built something too strong in my exterior that my interior crumbled. I just caved in. I'm sick of existing. People must be sick of me existing too. I want to cute everyone's troubles and just go away. That would probably nice.

I'm sick of people criticizing me for being me. And my dear, it's not only in the internet where you get criticized.You get criticized in real life too. So are you telling me to just leave my life and be happy somewhere up there? I never thought being brave by telling others my feelings was being wrong. Now I do. Trying to be different is just bullshit. I should be like everyone, hiding my feelings and letting it bottle up until I cannot take it anymore.

But hey, you know what? You got me. I'm not strong, I'm fucking weak. I'm now taking off my mask and letting you see who I really am. I'm weak,really weak. Every mean word you tell me? It shoots daggers to my chest. To my entire being. Everytime a friend abandons me? I crumble.

I'm one of the people who's hard to understand. But the real reason behind that is that I'm too... fake. I put on a different mask to be accepted. Now I'm nothing, for I do not even know who I am anymore. Look at me again, being overdramatic. Overacting, like you said. But that's me. I know that's the real me. Are you telling me I need to put on a new mask and hide the only thing I know about myself?

This morning, I've been imagining my wake and my funeral. I tried to imagine who I think will be there and mourn, or just be there to empathize on the last days they could see me. I cried hard. I imagine my bestest friend crying, the people who support me approaching my coffin, WAGC actually giving me a real eulogy, and I could not bear it. As much as I would love to die, I can't.

I'm sorry I could not kill myself. I'm sorry I have to keep on existing. But I promise to get out of your ways from now on. Goodbye.

Friday, May 17, 2013

Numbers

Out of 7 billion people in the world,
Within the great 510,072,000 km²,
The universe decided to cross our paths. 
Although I really hope,
that we'll not be asymptotes. 



Adios

That's it. My creative juices? Nada. I'm completely dry.

Okay so for the past few days, I've been writing my poems for a wrong reason: just to keep the pace and write one each day. I'm not writing to let go of emotions, to inspire others or to exercise my mind. I think that's it.

I may or may not continue writing poetry, but for now I'll be taking a rest. You may recognize the sudden lack of color of my poems, and I am sorry for that. I don't want to push myself anymore for now. I'm beginning to get sick of it, actually. But I swear, my love for writing will never fail.

I'm just gonna use this blog from time to time, maybe for less formal uses? Yeah.

Feather

floating around in the air
free as a bird
light as a feather
my surroundings blurred

that's what i feel
everytime we talk
everything is just surreal
but it's not a big shock

Poem for May 17, 2013

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Pet Peeves

This is just one of those nights where I can't stand anything. Here's a list of what just makes me tear my fucking hair out *cue : Forget About It - All Time Low*


  • Okay. First of all, I hate it when someone calls me when I just left. Not really like I just turned my back or something like when you call me after I've made effort going away or st. 
  • I also can't stand it when people YOUNGER than me treats me like a baby. I don't like being called "cute" in a condescending way by someone who's 14. I'm fucking 17, child. I study the basics of engineering already so please stop I am not your kitten or st. 
  • I really can't stand it when people offer me stuff just to tease me. For example, gusto mo nito? edi bumili ka. WELL SAKSAK MO SA BAGA MO.
  • Girls who want an army behind them are just pricks. I hate them so much. You do something scandalous then in the end, you try to change the story so you'll be the cute puppy and we'll be the love children of satan and nicki minaj. Well too bad, I'm the resbak queen (according to Michelle)
  • Night ruiners. When you expect a beautiful night to happen, like doing everything just to make that happen, but someone has to fucking ruin everything. Dude, I'll fucking cut your husband's penis on your marriage night. COCKBLOCK. 
  • Songs that ruin a soundtrack worthy shuffle. I mean I'm in the zone to cry then a fucking dance party will erupt while you're sobbing uncontrollably. Phone, fix your shit. 
  • Girls over-possessive  with bands and everything. ABA WAG PULP ROYALTY BILIN MO KUNG GANYAN KA. SILA NA BILIN MO TAS SAKSAK MO SA BAGA MO!
  • I could go on and on but I think this would be enough for tonight? Yey. 
Okay. This is one giant indirect tweet to everyone. Sorry for offending you, I guess? Meh. SPAWNS OF SATAN UNITE!

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

My Constellation

I want to jump off;
arms outstretched on my sides.
Screaming like there's no tomorrow-
but with you, tomorrow is endless.

We'll go out.
run away like the kids we are.
Spend time staring at the stars-
the constellations inspire us.

We are all united,
for our heart beats as one.
Infinite, it describes our bond.
I would never ever let go.

We'd swim the great oceans,
drive through the endless traffic,
and laugh through them all.
With you, I'm in the afterglow.

Poem for May 16, 2013

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Shuffle Challenge Part Deux

Game 2! I'm really bored (Now it's 11:20 pm) and I want to do something fun while listening to music!


1) How am I feeling today? - MakeDamnSure - Taking Back Sunday
*We lay, we lay together just not too close......yet so far. (emo roneth)
2) How do my friends see me? - My Blue Heaven - Taking Back Sunday
*Wow, 2 TBS songs in a row! If this is what my friends think of me, then wow. That's just beautiful, man. Really really beautiful.
3) What is my best friend’s theme song? - I Won't Believe This - A Rocket To The Moon
* Sobfest for ARTTM ; n ; I don't dig this song tho, to be honest.
4) What is the story of my life? - Tonight - FM Static
*Fucking accurate. I'm always lovesick, and I'm always fallen. This song just describes all my struggles, I guess. I just have a hard time letting people go. 
5) What is the best thing about me? - Last Night (Vegas) - Breathe Carolina
*throwing a mini dance party hahaha Then I guess the best thing about me is that I party really hard!
6) What is today going to be like? - Happy For You - The Summer Set
*Sobfest with dance party for this song. That's the fucking beauty of TSS's songs. I want to cry while wanting to dance at the same time. Anyway... will I be finally happy for you today?
7) What is in store for this week? - Give Me Anything - The Maine
*Oh it's you, and it's true. You're electric I can't get over it. YES PLEASE.
8) What song describes my mom? - Return The Favor - All Time Low
*How do I get away, when you're begging me to stay? Pretty much accurate everytime I want to go out with my friends or go to concerts. Hahahaha
9) What song describes my dad? - Thnks Fr Th Mmrs- Fall Out Boy
*headbands the shit out of my head because fuck yeah I can and btw, inappropriate song for my father HAHAHAHA
10) To describe my grandparents? - This Is All Now - Taking Back Sunday
*but yes I AM ALL THIS NOW I AM ALL THIS NOW I AM THIS NOOOOOW headbangs even though song does not connect to my grandparents at all (except for the line I know you mean well with your ancient code of ethics)
11) How is my life going? - On Your Side - A Rocket To The Moon
*cries hard because OHMYGOD ARTTM SIGH but accurate song, You know that my love is on your side.
12) What song will they play at my funeral? - And Now I'm Nothing - The Wonder Years
*another accurate song. Damn, this phone's ahuffle system is designed for these kind of challenges!
13) How does the world see me? - Time Bomb - All Time Low
*Thank you very much, world. IT WAS LIKE A TIME BOMB SENT INTO MOTION THEY KNOW THAT WE WERE DESTINED TO EXPLOOOODE AND IF I HAD TO PULL YOU OUT OF THE WRECKAGE YOU IM NEVER GONNA LET YOU GOOOO
14) Will I have a happy life? - Underneath Every Smile - I See Stars
*Hm, semi accurate song for this question. meeeeh *moshes with plushies*
15) What do my friends really think of me? -  Voted Most Likely - Man Overboard
*See how awesome my phone is when it comes to shuffling?! Another accurate song for this question then! Wait another rak na rak party coming up
16) How can I make myself happy? - Postcards and Polaroids - Sleeping With Sirens
*The song itself makes me fucking happy already! I love this song!!!! But yes, Before I go could you love me just a little bit more one more time? That would make me fucking happy.
17) What should I do with my life? - Who Are You Now - Sleeping With Sirens
*COINCIDENCE? I think not! Sometimes you gotta fall before you fly, we're gonna work it out.
17) What is some good advice for me? - Crash - You Me At Six
*Just crash, fall down, I'll wrap my arms around you now. But who'll wrap his/her arms around me? We do not know.
18) How will I be remembered? - What Makes You Beautiful - One Direction 
*Well this is nice, I mean if I would be remembered as beautiful and IF ONLY YOU SAW WHAT I CAN SEE DANCE PARTY
19) What is my signature dancing song? - Jukebox (Life Goes On) - The Summer Set
*I love this song so much!!!! And because of that, DANCE PARTY!!! LIFE GOES ON WE GOT ALL NIIIIIIGHT
20) What is my current theme song? - Reckless - You Me At Six

*Well hell yeah, I'm reckless! I'm Mis(ter)s reckless with a capital R!
21) What does everyone else think my current theme song is? - Legendary - The Summer Set

*I smiled once I heard the next song. This song is amazing, I swear. And of course, a The Summer Set song for the The Summer Set princess. Anyway, a perfect song to end my shuffle challenge so I'm really happy with this!

Okay, it took me 2 days (I fell asleep last night while listening to crash) to finish this but finally, part 2! Hope you enjoyed reading and you should try doing it too!

Monday, May 13, 2013

Who?

Who am I to you?
Am I just a friend?
Do you think about me too?
I'm sorry, I want this to end.
I am nothing-
just another one of them.
Not even a fling,
or your most valued gem.
Am I a joke to you?
I'm sorry I have feelings too.

Poem for May 14, 2013
I'm crushed. Adventure Time's What Am I To You spinoff

Shuffle Challenge

Hello there. So I'm quite bored (yes, at 7:36 in the morning) and sleeping is not an option so I tried to do this. I'm supposed to put my music player on shuffle (right now I'm gonna use my phone) and fill up the following using the song titles that come up. Okay, here goes. (commentaries with the *)

Life Story: Music game

Opening Credits: Someday - The Summer Set
*Beautiful song with a beautiful message. This being the "opening credits" to my life is awesome.

Waking Up
: Like We Used To (Piano Version) - A Rocket To The Moon 
*okay so I'm bawling like a child here. So instead of being the normal teenager who's gonna hit next once they see the title, I won't. I chose to listen to every song even until the middle. Right now, I'm torn about the reason why I'm crying, for it can be about ARTTM's breakup or the sad message of the song.

First Day At School
: When We Were Young - The Summer Set
*I decided to throw a little dance party in here. And I am amused on how my phone favors TSS this morning. My father, Gervie Cruz the TSS King, must be so proud of me right now. Sobs everywhere.

Falling In Love: 
Miserable At Best - Mayday Parade
*Fuck! This is horrible at the same time it is accurate. I am indeed Miserable At Best whenever I'm beginning to fall in love with someone. I might have to reassess my self every time. I think I think too much. See!

Fight Song:
Drella - Pierce The Veil 
*Can we all give my phone a round of applause for being a cooperative bitch? Wow, this song is accurate again! "Or the night we snuck out your window? Oh, 'cause baby, baby, you're so crazy now" wow, we could also mosh to this while fighting! 

Breaking Up: Hell Above - Pierce The Veil
*Oh my God, future (ex)boyfriend, beware! I might wreck havoc into your life too. And literally bring hell above. I'm very satan-like after breakups.

Life’s OK: Fireworks - You Me At Six
*Now my phone decided to fuck up my winning streak. Fireworks???? When my life's okay?! Oohhh sneaky. It's like I think my life's okay but the love of my life was sleeping in someone else's bed. Shudders.

Getting Back Together: Loud - This Century
*"And you can't hold me down, I wanna get loud!" Uhm, so once again, beware my future (ex)boyfriend. Getting back together doesn't sound that pretty...

Wedding: 7 Days - The Summer Set
*Meep, an ugly song to relate to marriage... We all hope I'm the bipolar one in this relationship, or not. oooh oooh ooooh ooooohhhh Look another TSS song wow, am I the TSS princess now?

Birth of Child: What Makes You Beautiful - One Direction
*Yes, Harry. I would like my childbirth to make me beautiful. Or at least I want my child to be beautiful. And yes, I listen to One Direction from time to time. Cue : dance party

Final Battle:  Never Be What You Want - We Are The In Crowd
*Well, this is nice. Even at my final battle, I'll choose to be me. I won't follow your goddamn orders and shit even if it costs my life! What if I become a Christian martyr? Nahhhh, very unlikely. And apparently I decided to have a gig while this song is playing. Coughs Tay Jardine.Death Scene: The Reckless and the Brave - All Time Low
*gdi! My martyr theory is slowly materializing. Although it may come from a war or st? Martyrdom for the fanbase then! Yes, I'll die for the music!!!!! Or uhm not

Funeral Song: I Miss You - Blink-182
*Aaaaaaw, this song is a nice tearjerker at my funeral. I mean, I'm actually gonna be missed! Wow, it's sad that I have to die before I could be loved (emo moments with roneth wbu?)

End Credits: Swing - Taking Back Sunday
*headbangs while slowly ascending to heaven or descending to hell. Or floats in midair. Or rots in the ground. I have no idea sorry.

Yay! I hope you enjoyed reading my response to this shuffle game! 

I can't write a poem

Sure, it's nice to be a part of something. Fishes belong to schools, ants belong to colonies, wolves belong to packs and I guess humans belong to families or communities. They give you that sense of security which being alone does not give you. Problem is, why do I feel the contrary? Instead of feeling okay and sure about everything, I feel horrible being a part of a group. Not in that sense where I hate being a member of one right now, but being regarded as a mere part of it. I'm losing my individuality. I'm not me anymore, just some part of a collective. That sucks, and it hurts so bad. I just wanna let this out of my chest. I want to be loved, as me. I want to be missed, as me. I want to be adored and appreciated, as me. Why do I have to be a part of everyone? Am I not worthy enough? Am I not special enough? Can't I stand on my own two feet to be recognized? To be a fragment of your thoughts? To be a part of your heart? I love you as an individual. I miss you as an individual. I love every part of you, miss every part of you, adore every part of you, and I am attached to every part of you. Just you. Will I ever matter to you by just being me?

Every Day


Words-
they bleed out, bright red.
Flowing like a river;
coursing through the seas.
They fly in the great horizon
Time will come,
it will reach you, my love
I hope you return it-
a shade of crimson as well.

Poem for May 13, 2013.

Saturday, May 11, 2013

Missing Link

Every wire was cut off;
the only thing I'm holding on to.
The bond between me and you was lost.
But my love, I'm here again.
I'll never ever leave your side,
even if I am floating like a ghost.
You're my anchor,
I'm your wings-like that song.
I'll stay with you, whatever the cost.

Poem for May 12, 2013
New rhyme scheme I'm trying out. Early post due to the lack of internet connection in my house. Fuck everything.

Friday, May 10, 2013

Walls

I'm confused, my love.
My mind's going around in circles.
Help me, my heart's in a labyrinth-
I'm really stuck this time.
But for you, my dear:
I am willing to break the walls.
I'll jump over the barriers,
anything that separates us.
You make me see things clearer,
you're the one I need.
You may have slurred me;
those unclear words of yours.
But that made me stronger, I fear.
You motivated me to carry on.

Poem for May 11, 2013

My Dearest


This week, I've been hanging out with my cousins a lot. I love them so much, I treat them as my own brothers and sisters. We have this bond that does not seem to falter. Instead, it strengthens as we grow older for we can hangout more each day. I cannot stress how thankful I am for having them, and I vow to take care of them until God knows when. As their eldest cousin (or sister, as we like to say) I'll do everything I need to do to protect them.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Tonight I Can Write the Saddest Lines by Pablo Neruda


Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
Write, for example, ‘The night is starry
and the stars are blue and shiver in the distance.’
The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.
Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.
She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.
To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.
What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is starry and she is not with me.
This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
My sight tries to find her as though to bring her closer.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.
The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.
I no longer love her, that’s certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tries to find the wind to touch her hearing.
Another’s. She will be another’s. As she was before my kisses.
Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes.
I no longer love her, that’s certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.
Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.

-
I've been meaning to post this before I started writing my own poems, for this is my inspiration for writing. We discussed this in my World Literature class the day after my breakup (I cried in class, seriously). From then, I motivated myself to channel my pain and anger from loss through art. That time, I tried drawing and painting which helped me. 

This summer, I'm starting to experience the same thing. Compared to losing, it's the pain from defeat. How can I lost something I never even had? My pain is channeled from defeat- the absence of another person for he belonged to another. The whole universe defeated me from achieving my own piece of happiness. "The world is not a wish-granting factory", and indeed it wasn't. The universe revolves around you, hindering you from doing the right thing at the right time. 

This poem is so inspiring, for it never fails to reflect my own emotions into something timeless. My poems may not be as beautiful as this, it will not be as eternal and frozen in time. One day, my colorful words will be forgotten and long lost in someone else's memories. But I know one thing for sure: the feelings encrypted in my poems are as deep as Pablo Neruda's. 

"My sight tries to find her (him) as though to bring her (him) closer. My heart looks for her (him), and she (he) is not with me." This line is visible in all my other poems regarding this subject. I am longing for him, my whole heart, body and mind craves for his essence. He is not with me, he is indeed miles away. He was once close to me, and I was engulfed by his presence. How dear he is to me. How beautiful he was, for he was my love and my dreams. I was in love with him, in love with the thought of me being with him and him being with me.

"Another's. She (He) will be another's." This line shows my whole dilemma, the whole roadblock the universe has chosen to give me. I am hindered from loving him without sin. Every single time I wanted to be with him, I am doing nothing but breaking my own heart. Everything is wrong about my feelings for this person, but I never wished for this. He is so dear to me, but I am not as dear to him. "Love is so short, forgetting is so long."

"Because nights like this I held her (him) in my arms. My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her (him)." So many sleepless nights, so many haunted dreams. I want him to be beside me day by day. I want to be there for him, to take care of him, to love him with all my heart and to give him happiness. My soul has not lost him, for he slipped away before I got the chance to keep him. 

I'm so sorry, my love. I did not want to love you. I did not want any of this. But I am in love with you, I think about you everyday. I miss you so much. I know you won't read this anyway, but here I am trying to reach out to you.

"For this be the last pain that she (he) makes me suffer, and these the last verses that I write for her (him)." But I can't, and these aren't.